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‘Gays still not welcome in heaven though’ says Welby

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‘Gays still not welcome in heaven though’ says Welby

Postby gerontius » Sat Jul 06, 2013 7:56 am

Although supporting a campaign to stop homophobic bullying in C of E schools, the Archbishop of Canterbury insists homosexuals would still not be welcome in heaven.
Welby warned dead people that St. Peter would be waiting at the pearly gates with a check-list and a team of hand picked angels, ready to turn away anybody who had been involved in a same-sex relationship or had ever willingly taken it up the arse.
Although Welby said the Church recognised it needed to adapt if it was to remain credible and relevant in an ever-changing world - some things carved in stone would never change.
The Archbishop said God could overlook trivial misdemeanours such as having a quick wank while reading Gay Times in the lavatory or fondling young choir boys but could not condone sweaty man-on-man action.
Welby told the General Synod that God had not spent six long days creating the heaven and the earth just so mankind could go around tossing each other off.
‘Even the animals on Noah’s ark behaved with more decorum than that’ argued Welby ‘apart from the rabbits....obvoiusly....and dogs only ever sniffed each others bottoms. The Bible makes it perfectly clear that at no time during the flooding of the entire earth did dogs actually penetrate - and Noah was watching the whole time so he should know.
And any gays thinking of adopting an orphaned child should not be too surprised if God slaughters the first born right under their nose.
He can do that if he feels like it....and he has got history’ warned Welby
Last edited by gerontius on Sat Jul 06, 2013 6:07 pm, edited 8 times in total.
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Re: ‘Gays still not welcome in heaven though’ says Welby

Postby saltire » Sat Jul 06, 2013 8:32 am

'..or had ever taken it up the arse.'

My heartfelt apologies to Maria Conceicao dos Santos of Ipanema Beach. I hadn't taken into consideration the possibility of a future Archbishop of Canterbury positioning himself thus...and him being a former 'oil executive' as well. Maybe he still is..
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